Wolverine vs Balto the Sled Dog: The National Championship is here!
The Big Three (week of 1/8/23)
Hey y’all! Ian here.
I’m back! Sorry I hadn’t posted in a while. I actually felt so guilt I posted an apology post, like I was some pathetic canceled YouTuber (hi.). But I’m not, so here we are.
Anyway, I can’t think of a good segway from that, so let’s just jump into it.
Honorable mentions
Ok, so i’m just going to come straight out and say it - this entire paragraph is about darts. You can skip if you want. Still here? Ok, good. So, 16-year-old Luke Littler, the teenaged darts sensation, recently somehow made it all the way to the World Darts Championship somehow. He lost, but it’s more the fact he made it that people are focusing on. I’m focusing more on this quote, however - "
“I didn’t bring it (play good in the finals) because I didn’t think I would get to the final. I only practice for half an hour a day, because I get bored and have my Xbox next to me.”
That’s right. Literally one of the best darts players in the world says he gets bored and would rather play Xbox than play darts. Honestly, same :)
Hey everyone, the Pro Bowl rosters were released! Everyone? Hellooooo…anyone? Yeah, old news, but no one cares about the Pro Bowl. It’s this NFL’s version of an all-star game, but since, you know, NFL players get hurt a lot, they’ve done so much to make it safe it just feels fake now and even the players don’t care. Just thought I should mention it. Also: Josh Allen - MVP candidate, yet left off of the roster…why???
Two very tall men wage war (NBA)
I’ve talked about the oddly wonderful experience that is Victor Wembanyama before, but I’ve never talked about Giannis Antetokounmpo before. The 411 on both of them: they’re two tall Europeans who are insanely good at basketball and are secretly kind of goofy - Giannis adores mango smoothies, and Wemby dresses like internet memes for Halloween.
And Thursday, on Wembanyama’s birthday, their teams, Giannis’ Milwaukee Bucks and Wemby’s San Antonio Spurs, played each other.
And it was awesome.
Giannis’ team, the Milwaukee Bucks, are usually very good. They have this very good player named Damian Lillard, who makes lots of threes and also is a very bad rapper. (They also have two giant Disney-obssessed twins named the Lopezes, and idk this seems important to mention.) Wemby (Wembanyama)’s team, the Spurs, used to be very good but recently they haven’t been. But after drafting Wembanyama this past year, they…still kind of suck but now they have hope, you know! They have a bunch of young players with potential (Devin Vassell, Keldon Johnson)! Wembanyama is very good and very young!
And the Spurs going punch for punch with the Bucks for 48 minutes was sort of a “light at the end of the tunnel” moment for the Spurs. Yes, the Bucks came out on top at the end, 125-121, but this was still an amazing moment for the Spurs, but more than that an amazing game.
The game was close the entire time, but as the minutes ticked down in the 4th quarter, it became a full-on fistfight. Giannis was dominating with two straight threes. Victor came right back and blocked Wemby at the summit. Then launched a pullup three - swish! Giannis said “Hold my beer” - barrels into the defense for an and-one layup to put his team up three.
At the end, Spurs point guard Tre Jones had an open three to tie the game - no good. But still, this was one of the best games of the year. The Spurs kept up with them for 47 minutes. Besides, when you’re 5-29, you take the moral victories.
Yes, Aaron Rodgers and Jimmy Kimmel have beef now (NFL)
I kind of like Jimmy Kimmel. As far as talk shows go, his is certainly one of the best, if not the best, and his recurring jokes (Guillermo, Mean Tweets, etc.) are actually pretty funny. Plus, he manages to get a insane lineup of guests nearly every year - I guess no one wants to be on The Late Late Show with James Corden (and for good reason) - I mean, just last year he got George Clooney, Jenna Ortega, Shaun White, Ringo Starr, Julia Roberts, Octavia Spencer, and Maya Rudolph - in one week.
I kind of do not like Aaron Rodgers. As far as people go, he is certainly one of them, and his constant whining (injuries, money, etc.) are so annoying. Plus, he manages to get himself enmeshed in more controversies than most politicians - I mean, he’s a disgraced former Jeopardy host, an anti-vaxxer, a “good friend” to Joe Rogan (the horror), a cheater at golf, a negelectful boyfriend - and all of that over one year.
And these two people don’t like each other for some reason?
So if you missed it, Aaron Rodgers basically suggested that Jimmy Kimmel was tied to the Epstein List when he was on Pat McAfee’s show this past Tuesday. Kimmel then threated to sue. And, uh, idk what’s going on here, because most beefs don’t go so far as to one person accusing the other of paying underage girls money for sex, so let’s go back in time and figure out what is going on with this bizarre situation.
The beef began over two years ago, apparently. Jimmy Kimmel called Aaron Rodgers a Karen, whch is about the most apropriate insult one could throw at Rodgers. In that same monologue, he relentlessly mocked Rodgers for being an anti-vaxxer, and even took aim at - his hair?
“We should have known because nothing says ‘I heal myself with crystals’ like [that] haircut.”
Then, a few days later, Jimmy Kimmel attacked him again, this time with an even better reason - because, like I said earlier, Rodgers said he takes advice from Joe Rogan.
Then, in early 2022, Aaron Rodgers said one of the stupidest things he’s ever said, when he claimed (on the Pat McAfee show, of course) that spy balloons being shot down was simply a way to distract from the Epstein List (what??)?
“Obviously, there was some sort of Chinese spy balloon that was up in the air, allegedly, and there’s been a few other objects that have been shot down. I believe that this has been going on for a long time. Interesting timing on everything. There’s a lot of other things going on in the world.”
Kimmel rightly went at him again, calling him a “tin-foil hatter” (lol) and urging him to get his brain checked out. Rodgers didn’t respond until, well until now.
I mean, I know Rodgers is really dumb, and I know I don’t really believe aything he says and will always believe anything almost anyone says before him, but, honestly? It kinda sounds like Kimmel was just kind of bullying Rodgers, and Aaron Rodgers just got annoyed. Granted, this was almost a full year after Kimmel last commented on Rodgers on his show, so kinda like, just let it go man you make millions a year, but still.
If you want to know more about this,
has written and podcasted about these two man-children, so definitely check those out.
(I’m just going to pretend I didn’t write 600 words on this)
The College Football National Championship is tonight!
Tonight, the Michigan Wolverines and Washington Huskies play for the 2023 College Football National Championship in Houston (at the NRG Stadium, one of the worst names for anything ever). Now, for game previews, I usually use a super-scientific, 99.999% accurate format I have found that is nearly almost always right - five categories, the winner of the most categories is going to win the game - I call it the Key Five.
Mascots Pt. 1 (mascots fight)- A Wolverine would absolutely destroy a Siberian Husky one-on-one. It wouldn’t even be close. Wolverines are known for being way, way stronger than they look, while Huskies are known for being friendly and gentle. Winner - Michigan
Mascots Pt. 2 (most famous mascots fight)- The most famous Husky dog is Balto the Sled Dog, who famously led a sled dog team through 674 miles of Alaskan wilderness to save a small village from a deadly outbreak. He is roughly 23 inches (1’11) tall and roughly 55 pounds. Balto has better than average physical health of a normal Siberian Husky, according to Scientific American.
The most famous wolverine is the Wolverine, the famous Marvel superhero, mutant, Avenger, and member of the X-Men. Wolverine is 5’3 and roughly 300 pounds. He also has retractable claws made out of Adamantium, the strongest metal known to man. He also has accelerated healing powers and superhuman strength, speed, stamina, agility, reflexes, and sense.
Poor, poor Balto. Winner: Michigan
Alumni (alumni fight, non-sports people only)- The most famous University of Michigan alumnus is Madonna (Michael Phelps/ Tom Brady disqualified). The most famous University of Washington alumnus is either Joel McHale or Ted Bundy - I gave the edge to McHale here (for obvious reasons). Joel McHale is a man unhinged. Every time I see him on TV, he looks as if he’s one drink away from a car crash. Madonna puts up a fight, but this goes to McHale, easy. Winner - Washington
Average GPA - Close, but Michigan comes out on top here - 3.9 GPA for the Wolverines vs a 3.83 for the Huskies (according to PrepScholar). Winner - Michigan
Actual Game - (Yes, I know, I’m actually talking about sports) This is going to be a good game. Both of these teams are so good, but in different ways. Washington’s elite offense has absolutely carried their team this year. Led by quarterback Michael “Big Penix Energy” (thanks, desmond howard) Penix Jr and wide reciever Rome Odunze, the Huskies average an insane 473 yards a game on offense. Unfortunately, their defense hasn’t been so hot (they give up almost that many yards on defense). Michigan is more well-rounded, worse on offense (yet still really, really good), but much better on defense. The Wolverines offense is led by running back Blake Corum, arguably the best running back in college football, and quarterback JJ McCarthy, who looks like what you picture when you imagine a TikTok star.
see? (Photo credit: Keith Birmingham/MediaNews Group/Pasadena Star-News via Getty Images)
Ultimately, I think that Michigan just won’t be able to keep up with the power of Washington’s offense. Michigan hasn’t faced a quarterback as good as Penix Jr this season, and I’m not sure they’ll know what to do. However, the key to Michigan winning this game is two dudes - Mike Sainristil and Will Johnson - Michigan’s two best cornerbacks. Johnson shut down Ohio State’s Marvin Harrison Jr (the best wide receiver in the country) when they played, and if they can do the same to Odunze, Michigan is going to win. But until they can prove that to me: Winner: Washington
Well, they results don’t lie. Despite me actually thinking that Washington will win this game, the Key Five is rarely wrong, so it looks like Michigan is coming out on top.*
Catch the game tonight at 8 PM EST on ABC.
Before I go, the National Championship game is tonight, so I felt like I should touch on the three best induvidual championship performances in history, because I just really feel like Michael Penix/Blake Corum is/are going to dominate.
Ezekiel Elliot, RB, Ohio State, 2014 vs Oregon - I mean, I could write some long, beautiful piece with metaphors and fancy laguage, but i’ll just say this: 26 carries. 246 yards. 4 touchdowns. A twenty-two point win.
Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama, 2018 vs Georgia - Ok this one hit harder for me than most - I sitting on the couch at halftime, confident, Georgia up 13 at halftime, and watching this backup quarterback come and destroy us. No, he didn’t just destroy us, he did something worse. He made us believe we could win, and then ripped victory away from the jaws of defeat, like a mean owner refusing his dog a bone.
Vince Young, QB, Texas, 2006 vs USC - It has to be. I mean, you could point to the numbers - 467 yards of total offense, including 200 on the ground (as a quarterback). You could point to the opposisition - two Heisman winners on #1 USC, plus LenDale White. But ultimately, you know that this was the greatest performance in CFB history because the first thing people picture when the name Vince Young comes up is those two straight touchdowns and that two-point conversion, all to win the greatest game in college football history.
Thanks for having me, it’s been a blast.
- Ian Cobb
*(check back on tuesday to see how wrong i was!)